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Parents' Voices: 'Listening
in Order to See'
The first step in supporting parents
is learning to listen
'We had some people tell us we shouldn't
have a baby, you know. But they don't seem to understand it's
not their choice, you know. It's ours.' (Lamarr Johnson)
'Nobody was there for me. It was always
professional people for the kids. I needed somebody for me, not
just the kids.' (Jackie Knight)
'He's not my kid now. They've taken over.
I like them here but I don't like sharing kid with me though.
I like him for myself like other mothers does. I'm getting laughed
at. I haven't said anything. Bloomin' daren't.' (Julie Burnley)
'They send kids of about 25, if that, not
qualified, they might just be learning. They were giving me all
this advice about children and I says to them, "Well, have
you any children, love? Are you married?" I thought, they're
trying to give me all this advice with no children.' (Mr Stewart)
'We may need extra help, but we don't need
someone to look after us all the time. We need to be allowed
to make mistakes so we can learn.'
'We never knew when different workers were
goin' to show up or what time. One worker would tell us to do
one thing, so we would and then another would say, "No,
you can't have Trevor until you do that another way.".....The
hardest part was always having so many people here from the social
services and that, sorta watching us to see if we made a mistake.'
(Don Thibault)
'We love him and Virginia and Kathy help
us learn what to do. They don't do it for us. We do it because
we're Louis's mom and dad.......In a way it's nice to have Kathy
and Virginia now while we're learnin', but someday it will just
be us. Our family.' (Hazel Neal)
'I'm just waiting. I'm going to wait 'till
he knocks on the door, that's all. You see, if I have him back
I'll be a family, a proper family. He knows I'm his mam; his
first mam and first dad.' (Julie Burnley talking about her
adopted son)
'The best thing has been staying together
and not being split up which I thought we might be, and was very
worried about. I enjoy having my daughter around me although
she gets under my feet sometimes. Being a good parent makes me
feel proud.' (Julie Shute)
'I like looking after Craig but sometimes
I become stressed and I think I can't cope. When he is asleep,
then I listen to relaxing music or have a nice long bath, go
to bed early and watch TV. His first smile was very special to
me. It's good being a mum. You have your own child and it is
special to you. Steve and I are much closer since we had our
son. We love being a mum and dad.' (Tracey Shaw)
'I thought the (support) group might be
helpful, because other people have had kids taken away like Kevin
and me. I bet they went through the same pain and stress. I want
to understand why other parents have got their kids and we are
empty inside.' (Eleanor Hardy)
'There are things you can't talk about
with somebody who hasn't been there. A lot of us (in the support
group) have lost our children in one way or another. We can talk
to somebody about it. Talking to people who haven't had that
experience, they say, "we know how you feel," but they
really don't. One way or another we've all been there somehow.
That's why we can all get along so well, and that's why we can
be so supportive.' (Dorothy)
'Everyone supported each other and we are
friends. Getting into the (support) group stopped me looking
at four walls. I found the group and having an advocate useful
for all the information. I believe the group helped everyone
that came.....When a parent is talking in the group, and listening
to what they are going through each week, and taking an interest
in, and just by talking to new people, you think you're not the
only one in the world with problems.' (Catherine)
' I like being a mom, but it's stressful
at times, like during the day when I have to take care of them
by myself. It's hard to know what to feed them and how to dress
them, the daily planning. Also it makes it hard to play with
them, 'cos I'm tired. And I feel distant from them when I worry...and
I worry all the time. I don't know, I just worry about stuff,
a lot of things, all the time. And when I'm alone and I worry
I can't think of anything else...if they had some sort of group
for parents like me to get together and talk about parenting......'
(Marie)
'When somebody listens to me every week
and makes me feel good about myself, I'm a better mom. Nobody
can take that away from me. I can talk to her [practitioner],
tell her everything that's on my mind, talk to her like I don't
talk to anybody else. She doesn't judge me or make me feel bad
about things even when I do something wrong. She helps me figure
things out. That's what parenting is all about, finding people
who can help you do it well when you're not sure of what to do.'
(Averil)
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